This past few weeks I have been so unsure, disappointed, and again.. LOST!
Started from 2 weeks back.., I was scheduled, for my first time, to cantor at church,.. I was very excited that I’ve finally answered to His call. Yup, after a year, back and forth, couldn’t put myself up together just to say “Here I am Lord, use me as Your most effective instrument, as your messenger, to proclaim Your words”. And I finally said yes to Ben, I said yes to God! I was so glad that He chose me, and that time, there was no hesitation, or scared… I was so firmed! With the help of prayers from brothers and sisters in Christ, of course!
It was Saturday that I said yes to Him. On Sunday, I started to pray, to be able to surrender to the Lord, and deliver His message to His people – to the congregation.
Yes, I started my Novena. On the third day of my Novena, which was Tuesday midnight, I received the psalm arrangement from Ben. A beautiful psalm arrangement which until now touched and moved me so much. It was extremely beautiful and I felt that the Holy Spirit works through our powerful pianist, and delivers the message to me. The arrangement was meant for me, I felt it! For what I went through, my past, my wounds, what I felt that day, … it was meant for me. I thanked God and Ben for the beautiful message.
The next day, I practiced, I saved it on my phone so I’d be able to listen more and more each time. It’s so powerful. Each time I listened to it, brought tears to my eyes!
“In God alone… is my soul at rest!”
On Thursday, I fell sick. It was from the prolong cough I had. But, still okay, at least I could take a deep breath and sing. Then, that afternoon, because of my tiredness, I fell asleep.
I had a dream that Jesus came into my room. He was standing above my head where I laid down on my bed. Then, I hold His feet, … I was clinging on His feet, sooo tight that I didn’t want to let go. Oh, He raised even higher.. then I got scared, then I fell down…fell HARD to the ground… my bed and my bedroom was a mess! all broken! Then I woke up in pain…all body aching. Shared with Korene and she said “Jesus wanted to raise you up high, it is depending on you how much you want to give yourself to Him. Just surrender to Him. Let the Holy Spirit take charge!”
Oh whatta dream! Then I prayed for God to have me, I give all to Him. I surrender. *first time I used this word.
The next evening, I had even more horrible dream. Yes, I tend to have terrible dreams when I am sick. I dreamed that I was fighting with exorcist in my body. I tried to pray in my dream, then after awhile, I was okay. Mother Mary whispered to me in the dream to pray the rosary, and wear the rosary from now on. .. and I did that. It’s been 2 weeks I’m with my rosary wherever I go.
When I woke up, I felt so much pain in my back, sooo much pain until I could not lie down anymore… I walked like a stiff pole, and screamed many times when I tried to lie down.
Friday afternoon, I went to see the doctor. Things were better as I took this anti relaxant pills, moreover, the cough was gone. Yay!
Until Saturday morning…, I woke up with 38.9C, I was shivering.. and I was so scared with what’s going on!
I asked God on the 8th day of Novena..”God, what’s going on, this way I can’t sing, I can’t even walk steadily, my head so heavy, I feel want to faint every time I walk! Please help me! If You really want me to sing, I need Your miracle today”
Oh, sounds very selfish prayer indeed!
But what can I do?
Only to God is my soul at rest. I really felt that psalm coming right into my bones.
It was 2 o’clock, I was on my way to the doctor for the million times, Ben called and asked “U ok? Can u come earlier, say 4.15 so you can practice?” and I still said “YES. Should be no problem” I can do it! I will do it! I was so sure of God’s miracle. I asked God “God, if only You could walk with me to the pulpit, I will be okay! I don’t mind the sickness at all. I am not complaining.” However, my hubby kept telling me “It’s good to have your faith on God’s miracle. But look at yourself? It will be troublesome for others if you faint by the altar! You cannot push God to create miracle in your will! It has to be His will!!”
Then, I gave up! I tried to sing, but couldn’t even take a short breath. I felt disappointed that I didn’t TRUST Him. I felt that I was giving up on Him. What is it that He cannot do? Only if I came and sing that day, I knew He would help me.
Yah, that guilty feeling has been with me since then.
What happened on the next Sunday? I was FINE. Totally fine. Well, I had other stomach problem, but at least I could take a deep breath and sing, not as miserable as I was the day before.
Then I asked God “Why did you let this happen to me?” Yes, I was very upset. “I answered to Your call, then You let me fall”
I was mean! I was very disappointed.
On that fine afternoon, I was shared a beautiful scripture from my sister, it was from Matthew 5: 23-24
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
It really brought me to tears.. so, is this why, Lord?
I had to go through all these because He wanted me to come to Him with a free mind, loving heart, and no burdens… I hear You, Lord!
Big *sigh* to myself!
But He didn’t leave me just that! He made things beautiful for me. He came to my prayer this very morning, and explain to me why I should let things GO, and let GOD take charge.
Many times I heard that phrase, from Nic, John, Jo, from Fr.James’s recorded homily, Let Go and Let God… if you want to do things your way, you won’t give space to God to work in your life, Let GOD TAKE CHARGE… But did I listen? No. When Jo told me “The truth will set me free”, I thought I was already free! but again, big NO.
I understand now why He let this happened to me, ..and only with His grace, He has to come himself into my prayer at 5am today.
….I was awake at 5am, even before my daily alarm rang…, then I crossed my hands and prayed.., this time, I didn’t say much to God..
Oh, yesterday I went to the adoration room at St.Anne’s and read this writing on the glass wall of “One Hour with God”, and John shortly shared with me that God wants us to give one hour of our times, just to be with Him..
so.. I did that this morning… I came to Him by prayer, and He brought me clearly seeing myself, kneeling down, however was bringing these BIG and HEAVY ROCKS with me.. so heavy for a little person like me.. and yes, I felt the weigh so I had to open my arms and put them open-up on my knees, I felt it so HEAVY and HUGE on my hands and shoulder..
….Then He whispered to me,… look at yourself, been carrying heavy burdens with you in your lives, let go.. one-by-one, ..
He brought me to the past, my past wounds, my families in Jakarta, my brothers, my brother’s family, my parents, my friends, my enemies back in college, many people who has crossed my path in the past,.. then He showed me ‘my version’ of future, my dreams, my kids future, …and many more
Then I asked Jesus, “Oh, all of those… JESUS, Please help me to let go, I should not worry about all these”, ” I surrender and lift them all to You” *I used this word stronger than ever
That moment, I could feel lighter rocks I carry, with Jesus help to carry the rest.. then I sighed, “I am sorry that I have to ask You to carry most, I can’t keep all these with me anymore”
Everyday in my life, I have sinned! I worry. I think too much about how my future should be.. now I realize how important it is to have an hour with God. He will set me FREE. *Yes, Jo, I understand what you mean now.
and yes, for many times, in prayers, I don’t have to say so much, God knows what’s been going on in my life, He knows! This time, I will LISTEN! I believe for many times He has sent many people to talk to me, He has sent my closest friends and family to talk to me, and I have my heart and ears shut!
I thank You God for coming to my prayer this morning. I thank You God for never give up on me. You have sent your angels, your humble people just to touch my heart and have me listen to Your word. But I guess I was just too busy planning things with my OWN strength, not Yours. Until the psalm hit me, ..In God, is my safety and glory, the rock of my STRENGTH…
I am tearing now as I type this Lord, I have abandoned You. But You still care. Allow me to begin this month of Lent, with loving hearts, free from burdens.. free from any scars from the past..I will trust You at all times, and will pour out my hearts before You. Amen!
and to Ben, this psalm will stay forever, I won’t forget.
Thanking all my sisters and brothers in Christ for your prayers, and for standing beside me.