This year’s month of lent has been tough for me. I am faced with obstacles which have torn my heart so much. Hearing pains and broken hearts from close friends and relatives, face to face, keep me questioning to the Lord “How and when is it going to end?”. Imagine myself carry such heavy crosses in life, I don’t know how I would handle them.
Not few times that I prayed, for God to send His help and guidance for everyone who needs His hands..it’s been years and years.. should I stop praying for them?
Last weekend I had a peaceful dream with God again, yes, ..again.. it felt very nice that He never had me worrying for so long, He answered my questions, within 24hours.. indeed He never sleeps! In that dream, I was half dead, my soul raised and left my body with God leading to answer my uncertainty. Then He brought me, again, to my kids future and said “they will be all right”. Then He asked “what do you want to see now?”, then with my anxiousness I said “This guy. I wanna see how he’s doing..what’s going on in his life, I am exhausted thinking about him.” Immediately He showed me His future and said “I have him, he will be fine”.
This stubborn me wasn’t quite happy for the fact that in his life, this guy, is very far from ‘fine’.
He asked again, “Do you want to come with me? or do you want to stay?”, I quickly said “I want to stay” – which I wasn’t sure what He actually meant. Then He said, “You can stay, and have to FOLLOW MY LEAD” –yes, He strongly said that.
When I woke up, I had this peaceful feelings that ‘this guy’ is really fine. Until that afternoon, I was very upset and had a pity on him again hearing the pains that he encountered. “Oh, what is fine!?!?” my brain and heart were struggling. “I hear enough” I thought. My brain felt want to burst.
Hours later, I went to church for choir duty.
From the moment I entered the church, I couldn’t stop tearing, yes, my HEART was tearing badly too.. in my prayer at church, I shared to God “talk to me Lord, talk to me, I’ve been hearing sadness again, although there was a soft voice telling me that it’s gonna be just fine, but I’m losing that voice now”…
Before I went to bed, I shared with hubby, I told him that I am this stubborn not trusting the Lord, and couldn’t let Him lead. Many times he asked me to let go, and I actually haven’t. “Letting it go has just been in your lips~ not your heart”, he added. “When you let go, you shouldn’t ask for peaceful answer in your version, let Him lead! He came to you and answered to your worries many times, but you don’t give Him space to work!”, “You don’t know that it might be part of His plans, this guy might have to go through so many things first. However you must know that God himself want you to believe that it’s going to be fine! he will be alright in His hands. Will you just follow?”
I couldn’t pray much last night, I felt ashamed to come to Him in heavy hearts. I just said to Him to help me to stand firm, I felt that I haven’t let Him take over. For many times I ask Him, I knew what He would answer, “It’s going to be fine”.
However, this morning, I saw a beautiful rainbow after the rain, I felt so relieved. This guy talked to me, and said “I have made mistakes, I hope to be given a chance to fix it, I will start over, even from the scratch”.
I realized from the way he said it, God is indeed working in his life. God knows he has made wrong turns for so many years, and God is ~and always~ giving him a chance to find his way back…and I should not interfere, it’s between him and God.
What do You want from me Lord?
Pray. He wants me to pray, and not pushing God to answer my prayer with my will. He has plans for me, I believe BIG PLANS. Also, for this guy. My plans for him isn’t gonna do good, but HIS plans will do the best. When people came to me to share their pains in life, it didn’t mean I had to help solving them, but God want me to pray for them, and let God takes the wheel.
*thanks Jo for the beautiful gift, haven’t been able to listen to the CD since last week. I took it from the shelf, and listened to it yesterday.
Just the perfect time as I need it the most. ..it’s all part of His plans..
Jesus, take the wheel.